Sometimes it just sucks...

Sometimes it just does, you know?

Now, let me remind everyone before I begin this... this blog is about encouraging YOU to see yourself as an artist... maybe even and ARTIST... all capitals.  And, it's meant to be very, very "real".  Sometimes that includes not so nice words and some uglier sort of thoughts... and even every now and again some whining...

There's whining ahead, so bear with me, I'll be better once I have the wine after the whine.

Anyway...

In 2009 I gave myself ACreativeDream for a birthday present.  I'm not sure why, other than I REALLY like to share what I know.  I love to teach, to encourage, and to inspire.  What can I say, I have an ego.  I admit it, I want to be able to talk, or in this instance, write, and actually have people listen (read).  I want to have an impact.

I don't think I am achieving that goal.

Somehow this has turned into that whole ugly dieting sort of thing,you know, the going in circles feeling unfulfilled and like you are not winning the battle. It goes like this... I feel like I am failing at a goal that is important to me... so I work harder, try harder, encourage more... get fewer readers.  Look at other blogs, wonder what I am doing wrong... look at the work of others, wonder why they can get "discovered" while I keep trudging and trudging and never getting noticed.  Feel sad that I am not reaching what I want to reach... try harder, fall farther... feel like my time and emotional investment in it isn't working... start wondering why I bother. Lose the desire to create and share, because what's the point, it's not like the readers are coming in droves and I'm sure not being discovered...

It's ugly, isn't it?  Yet that is my (perceived) reality.  At least for the moment.  Now, don't get me wrong, while I feel this way right now, in a week things may well be totally different.  But, geeze... some days... 

I live in this beautiful old duplex, next door to someone who is absolutely horrible... every breath I take just pisses her off.  She really should live in a single home, all to herself where she cannot hear someone walking up the stairs or vacuuming.  Yet, she lives next door and seems to find great joy in making me as miserable as is possible.  The landlord ONLY does maintenance when it is an absolute necessity... like when the water lines burst.  It's time to move.  But the whole administrative fees, deposits, pet deposits, pet fees, moving utilities, hiring someone to move the big stuff... just not in my paltry budget right now.

Daily visits with my father... making sure he has clothes, cokes, peanut butter fudge, making sure the staff knows he needs his eyes checked, or that he tells me he isn't feeling well (he never complains, so if he says something, he really doesn't feel well), and just someone who spends time with him, who asks him about where he was stationed in the service, what my great grandmother was like, what he loved to do when he was young... you know to remind him that he's important to someone... even if it is the black sheep daughter he disowned years ago... we all want to feel important to someone... Of course, after  more than two years there, I have come to know lots of the folks...and I try to spend time on the weekends listening to all of the little ladies whom I have grown to love as if they were my grandmothers as well.

Each and every day I arrive at work at 6:45 and bust my ass to try to catch things up until 4:30 in the afternoon, only to feel like I am more and more behind...

And, from time to time I try really hard to create something for someone that they will love, or at least appreciate... although, of late, I've been sort of short in that as well.

I know that I have a good life, I know it's no where bad as so many do... but, obviously, my life is thoroughly out of balance with my goals/desires/wishes/dreams right now.  Sometimes I wonder, as I lie awake in the wee early morning hours of insomnia, arm wrestling with my demons, how much of me can I hand out before the well runs dry?  How do I replenish... recoup... refill that well?  How do I regain my confidence?  How do I regain the sense that what I do is important... that it matters?  How do I ever feel as though I make a difference?

I'm not good about allowing my vulnerabilities to show.  I'm certainly not good at sharing my fears and insecurities.  I'm very protective of them and try to not show them to people.  Too often when I have it's caused me pain. Of course when that happens, it causes me to build walls around myself so that I may feel more secure... I can hide better that way, protect my fear better. But, those walls also may hinder the view.  Not only my view, but the view of me for others.

Part of the process of being an artist, heck, of being human, is recognizing that there are going to be times where you feel far more disparaged than encouraged.  And it's important to recognize that, while it sucks, "this too, shall pass"...  and it's important that, if I want to truly encourage others, others have to see that I have "those" times too.  And, to be honest, it's important that I learn to allow myself to be more vulnerable... to show and be my authentic self, warts, demons and all... otherwise those walls will be too tall and I will have locked myself in them, a prisoner of my own fears, real or imagined, with only the demons to entertain me. 

Of course, in the mean time, if any of you have any suggestions about replenishing that well, or reaching goals... I'd love to hear them.